Relationship compromises. Part one -children (Dec 1st 2016)

When my wife and I first met the very first thing we ever spoke about was babies, not our babies we first met as friends, but her desire to have a baby. As our relationship changed and progressed  J’s desire never changed. For me I was never too bothered about having a kid, but I knew she dreamed of being pregnant and raising a child.

When we met I still identified as a cisgender (meaning I identified as the sex I was assigned at birth) female, lesbian. So we knew it wouldn’t be easy but lesbians do it everyday -it would expensive but why not. We knew it wouldn’t be for several years, we are still young. However coming to the realization that I was, am, transgender and starting my transition pushed back our timeline as it would take 3 or more years to legally change my gender, which would mean I would go down as Father on our child’s birth certificate. The only thing that didn’t change about being trans was my lack of desire to carry a child, or my need for my child to have my DNA.

However in the last two years, since starting my transition, something big did change. Me. My perception on myself, my perception on life and societies perception of me. For trans* people one of their biggest transition goals is to ‘pass’ (be automatically seen as the gender they identify and not the sex they were born). So personally this something I want, and as it started to happen it was great. People saw me as what I am, male, and not just because I told them or because I made myself look ‘extra masculine’ but because they saw a man when they look at me.

The problem started with passing, it sounds crazy. I want to pass all the time but I started to realise that in a few years I would pass without a second thought, I would have top surgery and hopefully phalloplasty. I would, to any stranger, be a cisgender male (with penis) but I won’t be able to give my wife what she really wants, what she dreams of. Sure we could use IVF (at a high cost) or adopt (which comes with its own stresses and problems). But at the end of the day I won’t be able to give my wife what she wants, I won’t be able to get my wife pregnant. That is when the insecurities started to creep in, when negative thoughts appeared.

When I look at my wife, my friend and partner of almost 10 years, I am always filled with so much love for her and want to give her all she wants in the world. I do everything I can to make her happy but then I remember I can’t. I can’t give her the one thing she wants. I think would she be better off if we split up? Then she could find a cisgender male, someone who might get her pregnant, someome who unlike me stands a chance of getting her pregnant. I think will she resent me if she never get pregnant?  Is staying together delaying the inevitable?

I have mentioned it to my wife and she always says the same thing “I love you. I want you more than I want a baby.” She says it like she means it, but all I think is what if she stops meaning it?

I look at my wife and I want her to be happy, I want her to have the world. I want to be there person to give her that. For the first time in our relationship I feel like maybe I’m not that person, maybe I never was. Maybe she is better off without me.

I can only hope this feeling fades in time.

-Honest Trans Guy

8 months on Testosterone and Zoladex (21 Nov 2016)

Today I am eight months on Testosterone and Zoladex (a hormone blocker). I have experienced a lot of changes in the last eight months, some I didn’t expect and some changes to slow for me. The physical changes I have experienced have been;

  • My voice has got much deeper, unrecognisable from pre-T.
  • Ache – especially my face and shoulders.
  • Body hair, everywhere.
  • Some facial hair, I would like more
  • Change of my face shape.
  • Wider nose
  • Skin rougher
  • Lower growth, and increased sensitivity
  • Higher sex drive.

My none physical changes have been;

  • Increased aggression in the first month
  • Increased dysphoria. Especially chest
  • Dreaming more vividly
  • Negative feelings about fertility and children
  • Increased suffering of dyslexia and speech impediment 

Overall I am happy with how much I have changed in the last eight  months and can’t wait for what’s to come

-Honest Trans Guy

Transgender day of remembrance (Nov 20th)

Names of the 37 murdered Trans* people.
•Alisha, 23 – Pakistan. Shot seven times, hospital spent an hour deciding if she should be placed in the male or female ward.

•Hande Kader, 22 -Turkey. Raped and burned alive

•Tara, 28 – India. Burned alive, allegedly assaulted by police twice the day before her murder

•Nadine Stransen, age unknown, – Australia

•Niurkeli, 33 – France. Strangled and burnt

• William Lound, 30 – England. Stabbed multiple times

•Lorena F Zaratevilcas, 53, France. Shot dead

•Monica Pineda Rivera, age unknown – Mexico

•Monica Loera, 43 – USA. Shot dead. Misgendered by police and media

•Jasmine Sierra, 52 – USA. Misgendered by media and police

•Kayden Clarke, 24 – USA. Shot by police. Misgendered by media and police

•Veronica Banks, age unknown – USA

•Maya Young, 25 – USA

•Demarkis Stansberry, 30 – USA. Misgendered by media

•Kedarie/Kandicee Johnson, 16 – USA

•Kourtney Yochum, 32 – USA

•Shante Thompson, 34 – USA

•Keyonna Blakeney, 22 – USA

•Reese Walker, 32 – USA

•Mercedes Successful, 32 – USA

•Amos Beede, 38 – USA. Homeless transgender male beaten to death

•Goddess Diamond, 20 – USA. Found burned in her car.

•Deeniqua Dodds, 22 – USA

•Dee Whigham, 25 – USA. A nurse stabbed suspect is a navy trainee

•Skye Mockabee, 22 – USA. Misgendered by police

•Erykah/Erica Tijerina, 36 – USA

•Rae’Lynn Thomas, 28 – USA. Her murder was no investigated as a hate crime, as Ohio law doesn’t cover gender identity.

•T.T Saffore, 26/27 – USA. Misgendered by media.

•Crystal Edmond, 32 – USA

•Jazz Alford, 30 – USA. Misgendered by media and police until her sister (also transgender) corrected the records.

•Brandi Bledsoe, 32 – USA

•Sierra/Simon Bush, 18 – USA

•Noony Norwood, 30 – USA

•Barbie Ann Reilly, 23 – Philippines. Murdered by her partner

•Nathallya Figueiredo, 25 – Brazil

•Bie/Bianca Abravanel, 25 – Brazil. Shot 15 times.

•T.E de M. Geremias, 37 – Brazil

•Paula, age unknown -Brazil

•Jessica Mendez Cavalcanti, 24 – Brazil. Stabbed, her killers admitted her gender identity was the motive.

•Luana Biersack, 14 – Brazil. Luana has reported being threatened by someone. She is the youngest victim this year.

•Leticia B. da Silva, 32 – Brazil
Of these 37 people; 31 were trans* women, 18 were people of colour; 25 murders took place in USA and at least 8 where misgendered by police and media.

Rest in power angels 👼

-Honest Trans Guy

Transgender day of remembrance (Nov 20th)

Today is Transgender Day of Remembrance!Since the start of 2016, 37 transgender people have been MURDERED, (well 37 murders have been reported) around the world, one right here in the UK.

That is 37 people murdered for being who they are. These 37 deaths also doesn’t included people who have killed themselves, or those attacked but not murdered. People talk about which bathroom trans* people should use; if they should get help having children; if we should be allowed to change our legal gender. Maybe we should be talking about the number of trans* people getting murder or killing themselves.

37 transgender people where murdered around the world in 2016. 37 people just like ME! 37 people who deserved the world to care, to be outraged. But it isn’t, far to many people don’t care and will read this and get on with their lives. Well 100s of trans* people can’t because we are murdered and not enough people care. Well I care! I care not just because I’m trans* or because my friends are. But because it’s the right thing to do. We should always be outraged when someone is murders.

37 people! Rest In Power to all trans people murdered or bullied into suicide ❤

-Honest Trans Guy

What being transgender is like for me. (Nov 15th 2016)

Being transgender is the best, worst and most stressful part if being me. I realised I was trans* almost 2 years ago and honestly sometimes I wish I had never realised, but truly I wouldn’t change the last 24 months for the world.
There are days when I wants to rip my skin from my body; want to take a knife to my chest. When all I want to do is curl into a ball and cry until I don’t feel anymore. There are even days where I wish I would just die, and those are days I feel weak and powerless.

Everytime I step out of my house I become aware of my every move, is it to girly. I mental steel myself for being misgendered but honestly nothing can prepare you for knife to heart when it does happen. I convince myself everyone is looking at me. Everyone can tell, that someone will say something, do something, hurt me.

There are times I forget I’m not cisgendered and that moment I remember is the most soul crushing feeling. I have ever experienced. To remember I’m not “normal”, that legally I’m not a man, that I will never get my wife pregnant and create a beautiful new life with her. Those days are the worst, worse then the dysphoria, worse that the staring, worse then then misgendering or the jokes. Those are the only times I wish I had never realised.
BUT there are days where I notice a new change and feel on top if the world. Days where someone calls me sir and it becomes the most amazing world in the English language. 

 Days where my niece get my name right and get excited about it. Days where my wife looks at me with so much love I know no matter how hard and shitty things get, I have support, I have love and once this medically transition is over it will all be worth it.

Just a shout out to my wife, my baby brother, and A, because I would have never got this far without you guys. I love you all 💓💓

-Honest Trans Guy

Remembrance Day (Nov 11th 2016)

On the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month 1918 the guns feel silent and World War 1 was over. On 11/11/1919 King George 5th called for a two minute silence at 11am to remember those who had given their lives for ours, and many other countries. This has continued every year since, only now we remember those men and women of the arm forced lost in WW2, the Cold war, the Korean War, the Falklands war, war in Afghanistan and many other conflicts. We remember the men and women who have paid the ultimate price to keep us safe and free.
I have an grandfather, uncle and brother who have all served our country in the armed forced. I am grateful to say none of them lost their life fight, many thousands other can not make that claim. So today at 11am please all stop to observe 2 minutes of silence to remember and thank those who have given their lives….but also those who might have lived but still suffer. 

Thank you all for you serves to this country.
-Honest Trans Guy

Day 1 of President of hate. (Nov 10th 2016)

In a transgender parenting groups, there are reports of 8 people (children and adult) who committed suicide last night, and 1 on life support, after hearing the results of the election!!

This is a shocking report. In 24 hours AT LEAST 8 people have killed themselves.
I have also read far to many reports of racist and homophobic attacks! It has been 24 HOURS! And the fall out is already everywhere.

Action needs to be taken and quickly! 

Stay safe everyone. And Rest In Power beautiful Trans* Angels.

-Honest Trans Guy