What being transgender is like for me. (Nov 15th 2016)

Being transgender is the best, worst and most stressful part if being me. I realised I was trans* almost 2 years ago and honestly sometimes I wish I had never realised, but truly I wouldn’t change the last 24 months for the world.
There are days when I wants to rip my skin from my body; want to take a knife to my chest. When all I want to do is curl into a ball and cry until I don’t feel anymore. There are even days where I wish I would just die, and those are days I feel weak and powerless.

Everytime I step out of my house I become aware of my every move, is it to girly. I mental steel myself for being misgendered but honestly nothing can prepare you for knife to heart when it does happen. I convince myself everyone is looking at me. Everyone can tell, that someone will say something, do something, hurt me.

There are times I forget I’m not cisgendered and that moment I remember is the most soul crushing feeling. I have ever experienced. To remember I’m not “normal”, that legally I’m not a man, that I will never get my wife pregnant and create a beautiful new life with her. Those days are the worst, worse then the dysphoria, worse that the staring, worse then then misgendering or the jokes. Those are the only times I wish I had never realised.
BUT there are days where I notice a new change and feel on top if the world. Days where someone calls me sir and it becomes the most amazing world in the English language. 

 Days where my niece get my name right and get excited about it. Days where my wife looks at me with so much love I know no matter how hard and shitty things get, I have support, I have love and once this medically transition is over it will all be worth it.

Just a shout out to my wife, my baby brother, and A, because I would have never got this far without you guys. I love you all 💓💓

-Honest Trans Guy

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