When my wife and I first met the very first thing we ever spoke about was babies, not our babies we first met as friends, but her desire to have a baby. As our relationship changed and progressed J’s desire never changed. For me I was never too bothered about having a kid, but I knew she dreamed of being pregnant and raising a child.
When we met I still identified as a cisgender (meaning I identified as the sex I was assigned at birth) female, lesbian. So we knew it wouldn’t be easy but lesbians do it everyday -it would expensive but why not. We knew it wouldn’t be for several years, we are still young. However coming to the realization that I was, am, transgender and starting my transition pushed back our timeline as it would take 3 or more years to legally change my gender, which would mean I would go down as Father on our child’s birth certificate. The only thing that didn’t change about being trans was my lack of desire to carry a child, or my need for my child to have my DNA.
However in the last two years, since starting my transition, something big did change. Me. My perception on myself, my perception on life and societies perception of me. For trans* people one of their biggest transition goals is to ‘pass’ (be automatically seen as the gender they identify and not the sex they were born). So personally this something I want, and as it started to happen it was great. People saw me as what I am, male, and not just because I told them or because I made myself look ‘extra masculine’ but because they saw a man when they look at me.
The problem started with passing, it sounds crazy. I want to pass all the time but I started to realise that in a few years I would pass without a second thought, I would have top surgery and hopefully phalloplasty. I would, to any stranger, be a cisgender male (with penis) but I won’t be able to give my wife what she really wants, what she dreams of. Sure we could use IVF (at a high cost) or adopt (which comes with its own stresses and problems). But at the end of the day I won’t be able to give my wife what she wants, I won’t be able to get my wife pregnant. That is when the insecurities started to creep in, when negative thoughts appeared.
When I look at my wife, my friend and partner of almost 10 years, I am always filled with so much love for her and want to give her all she wants in the world. I do everything I can to make her happy but then I remember I can’t. I can’t give her the one thing she wants. I think would she be better off if we split up? Then she could find a cisgender male, someone who might get her pregnant, someome who unlike me stands a chance of getting her pregnant. I think will she resent me if she never get pregnant? Is staying together delaying the inevitable?
I have mentioned it to my wife and she always says the same thing “I love you. I want you more than I want a baby.” She says it like she means it, but all I think is what if she stops meaning it?
I look at my wife and I want her to be happy, I want her to have the world. I want to be there person to give her that. For the first time in our relationship I feel like maybe I’m not that person, maybe I never was. Maybe she is better off without me.
I can only hope this feeling fades in time.
-Honest Trans Guy