Okay so it’s been almost 2 months since I posted and it’s been a crazy/busy time.
Firstly I’ve had my 5th appointment with my gender clinic. It was pretty quick and simple, basically they just checked my testosterone levels and that was it. My levels are still low which sucks, so my dose might be upped after my next appointment, which will be in the next few months. In terms of transition not much has changed honestly, I passed 1 year on T, my voice continues to drop and facial hair continues to come in – which is my favourite change.
In other areas of my life there have been other dramas and changes. At the beginning of March, I suffered from an abscess which landed my in hospital for the day. That took a toll on my body pretty badly, I suffer from Anaemia so the blood loss from my abscess caused my anaemia to come back big time, thankfully I am on meds for that now. Thankfully that was the only thing to physically affect me.
My dog however had to have emergency surgery and has suffered some post op infections so the last few weeks have been very on edge. Thankfully latest vet update seems to suggest she is finally getting better. ❤
Lastly and most importantly, like I have mentioned before my wife and I would love to have a child(ren) together. Well recently we started to make plans to finally get the ball rolling on that. Well unfortunately that hasn’t really gone to plan. Obviously being trans and her being cis female, we don’t have any sperm between us so we know we would need some sort of medical help for that, which is fine. However recently it is starting to look like my wife may not produce eggs. On advice of specialist, she has been taking ovulation tests for the past 6 months – worryingly they have all come out negative (She had been taking them every single day to make sure that she didn’t miss a positive mark – which makes it even worse honest.) We have an appointment to see out normal doctor, to get referred for test to see if there is a fertility problem or not. It has been an extremely stressful time for the both of us, especially for my wife – who is feeling like her body has completely let her down.
A long time ago, before transition, we agreed not to use any of my reproductive stuff because of health issues that run in my family. So we already declined the idea of freezing my eggs because we knew there was a good chance any child could end up with the family issues. So now we are talking about all the possible outcomes, if we want to look into ivf or adoption. Even the possibility of just not having children – which is very difficult.
So my life has been stressful and in limbo but hopefully these tests will help us – or at least give us answers. And my dog will get back to her own self too.
-Honest Trans Guy
Transgender day of Visibility (TDOV) is an annual holiday, founded in 2009, dedicated to celebrating the accomplishments of transgender people. This day also works to raise awareness that work is still to be done in order to save trans* lives.
Transgender people live in three different way (in terms of transition), they are even out and proud- everyone knows they are transgender and they are extremely open about it; they live stealth- meaning no-one knows they are transgender unless they have to know; or they have a sort of mix- they are out to some people in their lives but not to others. At the moment I live a mixed sort of life, the majority of the people in my life know, either because they knew me before I started to transition or because I have meant them through transgender groups.
I am in two minds about I would like for the future, on one hand I want to be completely stealth so that only my family medical professionals know about it. I feel that once people know you are transgender they treat you differently, it might be the way they look at you, the way they talk to you or the things they say. I don’t want to always be ‘that transgender guy’ ideally I would be ‘that guy’ the fact that I am transgender shouldn’t never be an issue, a topic of talking point.
On the other hand I feel like as a part of the transgender community it is my responsibility to showcase the fact that I am just a normal person. That being transgender doesn’t make me special or different – I am the same as everyone else my life has just been another way.
One thing that makes me unsure about if I should be stealth is if I have a child(ren) with my wife as I’d like to. I want them to always know about it, so that it is never some dramatic bomb shell, I realise to do that I would have to be open about it with everyone because children talk about their lives and if something is normal to them they think nothing of telling people. I don’t want to feel like I am lying to my child, but I also think that you don’t tell your child everything about your whole life from birth, it is something they learn over their whole life. Maybe it would be better to ‘keep it from them’ until they reach an age where they can understand what it means, and why they shouldn’t tell everyone they meet because not everyone is a nice person.
Being stealth is something that I can always stop doing by telling people, but being out is something you can’t stop unless you cut ties with anyone who knows. It is just another difficult thing that proves that being transgender doesn’t just stop after transitioning stops.
-Honest Trans Guy
I am 11 months on testosterone and still rarely use public male bathrooms. I didn’t use a male bathroom till I was already almost 9 months on testosterone because I was worried that I would be harassed, I have spoken to people around the world, including inside the UK who have been verbally and physically harassed when using the male bathroom because the cis males inside don’t think they are male. Honestly even pre-t I tried not to use public bathrooms full stop. The times I have used male toilets they are been empty, the first time that was purpose it was a way to be able to use the male toilet but do it whilst ensuring that I was safe. I try and push myself to use them whenever I am out, if I can’t I never use the female bathroom, I use a gender neutral bathroom. After top surgery I have promised myself to only use male bathrooms, to build my confidence so it becomes second nature.
Before being approved for testosterone my gender specialist told me the sort of things I could expected to change, I had also done a lot of research beforehand. I knew that my voice would drop, the potential for facial hair, that I would get acne and many more things. There were however a few things I didn’t expect or that I expected but didn’t realise would change so much. Two of those things are growth to my private parts and my increased sex drive – both of which I will talk more about at length in a later blog.
The one change that has been most different to what I expected has been a decrease in my energy level. I was told that I would be more tired but I was completely unexpected for how much more tired I have been since starting testosterone. I started testosterone 10 months ago now and I have gone from sleeping for maybe 5-6 hours a night to sleeping 8-9 hours a night, in fact when I was 16-18 I could survive on one 3-4 hours a night. In the first 4 months on testosterone I also needed to nap for about an hour during the day or I just couldn’t make it through the day it has been ridiculous. Thankfully I can down get through a 15 hour day without feeling like I might fall asleep at any point, I would still like to get to a point where I don’t need to sleep for 9 hours to function the next day 7 would be enough for me.
When transgender males (well most transgender males, some do not or cannot) go on testosterone it put our bodies through a second puberty. This means that all the things cisgender males go through as teenagers we go through, for example acne, voice deepening and facial hair. There are changes that trans guy look forward to when we start testosterone things such as voice change or facial hair growth. There are also a lot of other changes that the community as a whole doesn’t even talk about and that aren’t so fun. Personally I have experienced a few different changes I would have rather not. The worst changes I have experienced on testosterone would be hunger and smell.
-Hunger, since starting testosterone I have been hungry all the time! It isn’t just normal hunger though, when I started testosterone I was just hungry all the time, no matter how much I ate, it was very annoying. Now 10 months on testosterone it has changed instead of being hungry all the time now I can go hours without being hungry and then suddenly I will feel sick with hunger out of the blue.
-Smell, since starting testosterone my body odour has changed, it is now stronger and muskier. It isn’t a big deal as it is controlled with using more deodorant but it is still an annoying changed that I would have rather not gone through.
That said the worst change of transitioning since going on testosterone so far for me, without doubt has been dysphoria. Since starting testosterone in March 2015 my dysphoria has gotten both worse and better. Dysphoria for things such as passing, my voice and body/facial hair have decreased as testosterone has masculinised thing within my body, my voice has gotten deepen, I have body hair everywhere and I pass in public almost 100% of the time now. However my chest and ‘private parts’ dysphoria has gotten worse, which make my depression worse as well.